Things I am afraid to tell you

A few brave bloggers have been writing posts this week revealing sides to their lives that they usually do not show on their sites. Blogs are our magazines and as such are edited to be read in a certain way, in a certain light. But there is always another side, another truth. Just as true as what we chose to write about but more private, something we chose not to show.

For all of us there are many hidden sides, so what to reveal? What to write about? I have been getting more open with my life and my feelings on this blog but I realise there is one truth about myself and my work that I try and hide even from myself.

I sabotage things that mean a lot to me.

I procrastinate.

I put off work that needs to be done for deadlines, deliveries, collections until the last minute. I take it right to the edge and I wonder why.

It is what I used to do with university essays.

I worry that it is because I am afraid.

Of success.

Of the fact that I don't understand why people would want my work, why galleries would want to exhibit my pieces, why magazines would want to publish photographs of my sculptures and my tutorials, why anyone wants to read my words, my blog, me.

I write tutorials about stitches I don't remember ever not being able to do thanks to my Mum and Aunt and wonder what right I have to pass on knowledge that I feel is theirs, not mine.

I question whether it is true that anyone could do what I do.

I wait for someone to question how I can teach people to make pieces I cannot fully explain how I make myself.

I dread being asked how I design my pieces as the answer "I honestly don't know how, my mind sees a picture and somehow my hands know how to cut out the right pieces and stitch them together" is wholly inadequate.

I wonder when my bubble is going to burst.

I wonder when people are going to see through me and see me for what I am, a scared little girl behind a woman's mask and realise I actually am not really sure what I am doing.

I feel I am waiting for someone to call me out. Someone who knows what they are doing. Someone grown up.